R E C E N T L Y . [1:3]

this is what i listened to as i wrote this.
good evening to all of the incredibly kind people who still read the sporadic spatterings of my writing; your support warms my chilly little mind. a place to release all of this mess is a blessing in itself, and people who care is indescribable. i know i am not a consistent or reliable source of entertainment and for this fact i thank you for sticking around. xo
i write because i feel that i need to give you something, and because my lack of creativity starves me. it's been very warm lately, which is kind of an anomaly for northern ontario. on a happy note, in these past few months i was quite addicted to biking and the beastie boys - both radiant summer vibes.
this is a tiny list of three items from [recently] to give you a little update. 

THREE LIFE THINGS___________________________________________________________________________
I. a few weeks ago was bible camp and i still breathe and bleed memories of its warmth and golden light. it is my home, it is my place of healing, and it is always the best week of my year. 
II. two days ago was my first last day of secondary education. i am terrified but simultaneously relieved to be out of this hell hole high school so soon. i have no idea what to do with my life, now. i thought i knew, but i do not. everything used to be so theoretical: only ideas safely tucked away into the future. it is all real, now. decisions decide. i wanted to be a writer as a child. i don't know if i have it in me, now. i think i get a little emptier as i grow older.
III. my best friend followed Jesus Christ. :)

i do want to write more regularly on this space, i really do. unfortunately, my creative productivity often relies on my state of mind. hopefully, i can push past this and give written things to you as much as possible. thank you again for the love you have shown to me. stay ok, friends. 

A L B U M S . [11]

[HELLO, WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN QUITE SOME TIME / I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN THE BEST OF SONS. |-/]

after the last uncomfortably vulnerable post, i am receding back onto my pedestal of hipsterdom to speak to you about all of the pretentious music that i enjoy.

------------------------------------------------------- >>>>> BUT FIRST, A LITTLE UPDATE <<<<< -------------------------------------------------------

BIG LIFE THINGS: i have some universities & programs picked out for application season in the fall! hopefully next year by this time i will be accepted into a few good schools for history, international relations, and/or political science. also my s.a.t. scores this year were much higher than i expected, which is wonderful. grade eleven was a good experience overall. LITTLE LIFE THINGS: last semester blessed me with an incredible history teacher who inspires greatness, promotes inquiry and creativity, and tells a hell of a good story. also i've been playing guitar quite a bit more recently. a few nights ago my older brother came to my room and we talked about radiohead for a good ten minutes. he showed me some new chords, and it was just kind of lovely. it rains often. i'm drinking a lot of green tea. FEELING LATELY: a little more okay than usual.  ATMOSPHERE: the sky cracks, the pavements shine with rain, the trees flash with golden light. GOD: is extremely kind to me and i do not deserve it. 

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THESE ARE SOME OF THE ALBUMS that speak to my soul, make me feel indescribable ideas, remind me of something intangible but familiar, tell me that i'm understood and not alone. these are some of the albums that have seeped into my subconscious and sculpted my dreams. maybe you like the same stuff. that would be nice. we could talk about it. i could have friends. hmm.
this is all of my pretentious hipster music, in no particular order.

1. night visions by imagine dragons.
i believe that i was ten or eleven when i first fell in love with "it's time". i was twelve, thirteen, and this album spoke to the aesthetic of my imagination. i hold memories of playing "working man" while slaving over homework in the spring. "demons" never wore out from fame. in 2013, i saw their INTO THE NIGHT toronto show. the emotional connection between band and audience throbbed almost visibly. still possibly my favourite alt. rock album of all time.

2. the wall by pink floyd.
my third experience with pink floyd. irregular, honest, overwhelming, gritty insanity. 

3. twenty one pilots by [guess who..]
soft but poignant piano songs that console me with their gentle sorrow.

4. greatest hits vol. 1 by billy joel.
i listened to this disc almost non-stop at fourteen. there was just something about the candor of the lyrics and the pristine artistry of the piano that captivated me. many of the songs felt familiar even though i had never heard them before. not because they were generic, but because they felt right, they felt as if they were meant to be, they felt like life experiences and reality and familiarity.

5. ok computer by radiohead.
perhaps my favourite album of all time. radiohead doesn't sound like songs; radiohead sounds like thoughts: strange and sporadic and sometimes lovely and sometimes frightening and sometimes mundane and sometimes a dark and shining galaxy of  ideas.

6. into the wild by eddie vedder.
pretty alaskan adventures in fingerpicking by my main man. 

7. the dark side of the moon by pink floyd.
my introduction into psychedelic rock. a heartbeat gives it life, a heartbeat slows it down. i heard it for the first time in summer, driving on the highway in my brother's car, and i was terrified. it was terrifying and it fascinated me. i disliked it, the first time. eventually it steeped my head and i now drip with rainbow guitar poetry.

8. vessel by twenty one pilots.
listening to this album was a little bit life-changing because it was the first time i heard music that really understood the farthest reaches of my messy brain activity.

9. the joshua tree by u2.
the first track sounds like a beam of light travelling through space. my brother gave me this album, and it is mostly about faith and world issues from the 1980s. it is a masterpiece.

10. my head is an animal by of monsters and men.
soft, beautiful nonsense to rock you into dream-filled sleep. iceland makes good music.

11. rumors by fleetwood mac.
an essential album, although i must admit it listened to it until it ran dry for a while. it is still a vital development in human music, and it always will be. 

h o n e s t y [a list of photographs]

breathe, keep breathing, don't lose your nerve. breathe, keep breathing. i can't do this alone. / radiohead [LISTEN]

well, i never did finish that birthday series of which i had so many grand plans. mm. yes. sorry about that. but instead, i have returned and i am giving to you an idea that i have been developing for a while. the core of this idea is a simple question.

WHAT IF I WAS HONEST ABOUT MYSELF?

this question does not refer exclusively to words, but also to aesthetics. i wake up and participate in a world constantly attempting to hide my and its imperfections. i waste too much of my life trying to be pretty, collected, structured, easily understood. in repentance - in rebellion, i wanted to be honest with myself about who i am, and i compiled a series of raw photographs documenting my insecurities. this is who i am, to be honest.

I.

 II.

 III.

 IV.

 V.

 VI.

 VII.

 VIII.

 IX.

CONCLUSION: imperfection is okay.

therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. the old has passed away; behold, the new has come. II CORINTHIANS 5:17

i want to challenge you. anyone who might be reading this, i guess. i want you to do the same thing. i want you to take your makeup off and be honest with yourself. i want you to photograph yourself as you are, not as you want to be. i want you to be okay with yourself. this is THE HONESTY CHALLENGE.