September 11, 2015

many little rainy day lists.


this was an unfinished post from june; life happened and it never did. now it is; it's happening, because i still think that is still deserves a chance for life: a chance to break out into the minds of men. it's also completely irrelevant now but it's a little bit poetic so maybe you can still appreciate. perhaps you can think of it as a time capsule and remember your own june. this post is a bit of a mess.

{put this into a tab. thank me later.}

"WE STEPPED OUT INTO THE WORLD FROM THE HEAVY DOOR OF THE VENUE AND THERE WAS RAIN FALLING ON MY SKIN, AND THE WORLD WAS FRESH AND COLD. WE WERE ALL VERY YOUNG. THE SKY WAS AS BLACK AS THE BRILLIANCE OF NEW YORK WILL ALLOW, AND THE THROB OF PEOPLE AND METAL WAS ALMOST VISIBLE IN THE AIR. PEOPLE AND METAL: THAT'S ALL THE WORLD IS REALLY MADE OF, IN NEW YORK. AND RAIN, ALWAYS THE RAIN. AND I COULD BARELY KEEP MY EYES OPEN. I'M SURE IT MUST HAVE BEEN BEAUTIFUL, IN ITS OWN WAY, BUT I COULD NOT SEE IT. THAT'S THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS, SOMETIMES." // you can't win, chapter two



it's been one of the coldest and wettest junes that i can remember, and this is glorious to me. i legitimately love rain, with passion. i think i could be happy if the earth ticked so that it rained every day; because i like to feel cold and clean. i love to walk in the rain, truly. i love the shivering silver rim that layers the pavement.

think of this post as a rain-themed journal entry stretched out over my entire day. it's not going to be very specific. i'm going to take my time, collect my thoughts, soak in the current storm, and write some little lists drawn from this thunder culture.

10/06/15 // 12:32 PM
recently:
01. we returned from montréal at 5:30 AM on monday after driving all night. the city was like another world within my world: it was like a small scatter of france inside of canada. it was pristine, throbbing with life and intelligence, extremely french, and architecturally stunning. i was there with my two older brothers and our dad for the montréal formula 1 grand prix [probably the most famous motorsport in the world, although more popular in europe than in the united states] and i will never forget this experience. the hum of fast cars still throbs in my head, and i miss the city terribly. i must learn french more fluently; i want to live there when i am older.

02. i'm done school. it's like a wave lifted off my shoulders. it's wonderful to have so much time in the day to read, play guitar, muse, do yoga, write poetry, learn latin, help old people cross the street. it's too bad that i actually spend most of this time on the interwebs.

03. i'm so apprehensive about this summer; i am both excited and apprehensive. i don't know what's holding me back. i don't know what kind of a person i am now. i don't know what i am meant to fulfill. i don't know i don't know i don't know. all i know is that i don't. i had this really good word describing how i want to live, but i've forgotten it. i wish that the artistic people genuinely found beauty in messy, real things. they romanticize blood and grit and drugs and steel and graffiti and anorexia, but they never see the art in acne and cellulite and hangnails. i want to live efficiently. i want to be skinny and alive and and artistic to the masses. i want to be marketable and fascinating. instead, i am human.

 scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity / scared of my own ceiling, scared i'll die of uncertainty / fear might be the death of me; fear leads to anxiety / don't know what's inside of me; don't forget about me / even when i doubt you, i'm no good without you. DOUBT // TWENTY ONE PILOTS

12 comments:

  1. Hey Girl! I found your blog and love it! I love the way your style, it's so true and alive and amazing. I'll admit, I'm a little jellie you got to go to a Grand Prix. Gah, and the way you write about the rain makes me want to go and crazily dance and laugh in it.

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    1. thank you so much!! and hey: we should talk about formula 1. :O

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  2. THIS RAINY MOOD THING IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME WHATLKSDJFKLDJFKDJFLDKJFLDKFJD. excuse me while i play it as the soundtrack to my life. so happy. thanks a trillion. and your words give me life- so it'd be great if you give me more.

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    1. ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE OH MY WORD IT'S THE BEST THING ON THE INTERNET

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    2. literally it's been playing on my laptop since 1:50 sharp. sooo almost 6 hours straight at this point. still going strong.

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  3. "obsessing over atticus finch" excuse me can we be best friends pls
    "working in bits and pieces on you can't win" i want all the bits and pieces man

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    1. atticus finch is bae
      i would have sent it to you but they are tiny pieces and they suck

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    2. oh my word you are bae what even
      lol i understand i haven't written anything in my "works-in-progress" in months. so basically not in progress at all.

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    3. same same same i am a writer who never writes

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  4. in love with this. rain is my heart's song <3

    better late than never, right?

    part iii. is a little hard for me to read because, love, you don't want to be marketable, you don't want to be attractive to the masses. the masses are sinful human beings who dON'T KNOW WHAT TRUE BEAUTY IS. and you know what? as hard as that is to admit, we need to. but the one who knows true beauty and knows you're beautiful inside and out? that's Jesus. and his followers are learning to see things through his eyes, learning to find a different beauty than the romanticized artists find. but we are few and far between in this day-n-age. just know love that the masses, being what they are, are heartless, cruel, and sinful.
    yes you are human, and yes, I find that beautiful. and through your Savior, God does too.

    aLSO IT RAINS FOR LIKE 6 MONTHS STRAIGHT HERE. YOU WOULD LOVE IT. I DO

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    1. i don't really know how to reply to this, but thank you.

      pLEASE LET ME COME I NEED SEATTLE

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